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Dear Aria

Dear Aria,

Now we wait just eight more weeks or so until we meet you. They seem like everlasting weeks when I think of how much I want to scoop you up into my arms. I know you are safest and happiest where you are now, but I’m feeling impatient to look into your eyes, kiss your tiny nose, caress the smooth underside of two little feet that have been nudging me so steadily.

Sometimes, though, I think about the future and already wish that whenever you feel sad, I could tuck you back into a hidden place, safe, warm, and very close to me. Out here in the big world, things can be lonely and scary and confusing. But there is so much love and joy and peace waiting for you, too.

My Moriah

I have always wanted to be a mother. My answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" has forever been that I want to nurture my own children, to teach them, to love them, to point them to Christ. I assumed I would get married straight out of high school and become a mother right away, hoping my life story would mimic so many mothers I admire. From the time I was six years old, I practiced mothering on whatever younger sibling or niece or nephew came along every few years. Through all of high school and college, I worked in daycares, in schools, and as a nanny, to get even more experience. I took college courses in early childhood and elementary education, attempting to be as well-prepared as possible to home educate my children.

Ten years after high school graduation, my life story was far behind the timeline I had imagined.

Five Lessons from the 31-Day Challenge

Last month I took up the challenge to write a five-minute blog post every day of October. My favorite days from that exercise were the prompts View, Say, Life, and Visit.

Overall, working through the challenge taught me:

1. A blog post doesn’t have to be lengthy to be meaningful.

2. Putting thoughts into written words doesn’t have to take long. However...

Wake {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

"You live your life like a tornado; destruction follows everywhere you go."

For me, those Sara Groves lyrics bring to mind very specific people and situations. Do you know any of those tornado folks—the ones who seem to spin out of control with no concern for who is affected, who is reeling in devastation from their actions, lack of action, words?

Every one of those stormy individuals leaves behind a wake of hurting people, who must pick up the debris of a chaos they didn't cause and attempt to go on with life. I have not had such a person very close to me; I have not personally been left in the wake. But the song goes on to say, "It hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love." And it does.

Free {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

Maybe it’s because I’ve not been feeling well this week. Maybe my thoughts are with dear family members in tough situations. Maybe it’s because I’m reading a novel about the Underground Railroad.

Whatever the case, when I think “free,” I think of Heaven.

I imagine the crippled diabetic leaving behind her wheelchair, the blind beggar seeing gold-paved streets, the Parkinson’s patient sitting calm and still and steady at Jesus’ feet. I can see the bullied, the neglected, the ostracized, the enslaved, those labels all melting away in the welcome of Heaven. I think of myself no longer struggling against this selfish flesh, nothing restraining me from living out Christ’s character.

Visit {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

In the hot, sticky days before school began again, the children fussed—the tiny angelic one, the two elementary-aged siblings, the teenager. And I, aunt and sister to them, fussed too, though I was in the early years of my twenties. We were restless, tired of each other, outraged at the smallest inconveniences and ready to argue for any cause. The strangling heat forced us to stay indoors in one another’s company. And so the bickering went on. It went on until I could bear it no more.

Enjoy {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

"Enjoy."

I place the word on my tongue like candy, and as it melts I catch flavors of

Stealing a nap on a Sunday afternoon  

Laughing with my sister  

Walking through the orchard in horizontal sunlight 

Cuddling in blankets on the couch with Steven, nibbling dark chocolate 

Look {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

Nearing the pecan orchard on a hazy summer afternoon, you may see a tangle of knee-deep weeds reaching lazily up from the ground. But if you look, really look, the scene is a carpet of miniature blossoms—delicate purple star-shaped blooms, pinky-sized roses, lemon-tinted florets as small as sand gnats.

Maybe you notice movement above, in the branches. But look, truly look. Before you even turned in his direction, the red-tailed hawk lifted majestic wings and launched a graceful glide to the neighboring property.

Expect {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

When will I learn that I can expect God to hear me? That I can expect Him to answer, to interject Himself into this story in a big way? Why do I hold myself back from expecting, believing He will do what He has promised?

Do I think I must protect myself from being disappointed by Him? Do I harden my heart out of fear, worry that I won't be able to handle it if He doesn't respond? Perhaps I'm simply tired of expecting, exhausted by the hard work of hope?

Fear [Not] {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

What if there’s a natural disaster?

Fear not.

What if my house catches fire while I’m away?

Fear not.

What if I’m assaulted, robbed, kidnapped, shot?

Fear not.

What if someone breaks into my home in the middle of the night?

Life {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

On a May evening when I was twelve years old, a phone call prompted my parents to usher my younger sister and me out the door for a two-hour drive. My older sister was at full term expecting her second child, and had gone to the hospital in labor. We arrived there, too, and we waited. I went in to talk with my sister as she lay in the hospital bed. I went out to the waiting room again. More family arrived. More waiting. I think I slept.

At last, a door opened and a thrill came over the family-filled room; the baby was here! Yet more waiting followed that news. I waited while nurses performed various standard checks and procedures. I waited while the grandparents held her. I waited while other relatives older than me held her. It felt like I waited while everybody else in the whole world held that little one.

Away {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

Two of my greatest desires in this life are for purpose and peace.

While there is magnificent purpose in living in the imago Dei, there are earthly obstacles. There’s friction along the path of glorifying God and enjoying Him. I feel I will never be able to do so wholeheartedly, with no reservations, no hesitations, until I’m somewhere else. Somewhere Other.

Somewhere Away.

Work {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

I love to learn of people’s childhood aspirations, what they wanted to be when they grew up. Always, always I wanted to be a mom. But there were other pursuits that appealed to me, too.

I wanted to write from the moment I first held a crayon in my chubby little hand. I penned boxes and boxes of homemade books, written and illustrated at four and six and eight and on and on. The illustration tapered off in middle school. But the writing continued, now on journal pages and floppy disks and flash drives stashed away.

Rest {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

Scripture abounds with rest. Have you noticed that?

Yes, there are admonitions to work hard, to worship, to fight the good fight. There are also words about rest.

This theme has been cropping up in my Bible study. Finding rest in God is a motif repeated in the Old and New Testaments. It’s beautiful. I still have delving to do as I study the topic, but I've made a few observations about resting in God.

Teach {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

I had an extraordinary experience with being homeschooled. My parents poured out teaching day after day for twelve years and beyond. In the second half of my homeschool experience I also had video teachers who taught Algebra II and Chemistry and British Literature. Later I had college professors who drilled Bible and United States History and Early Childhood Development.

When I think back on those teachers, I recall a few specific facts they instilled.

Care {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

Are we weak and heavy-laden
Cumbered with a load of care
Precious Savior, still our refuge
Take it to the Lord in prayer 

—Joseph M. Scriven

Those lyrics and their melody played in my mind upon seeing that the writing prompt for this post was care. It annoyed me. Those lyrics are frustrating because they're far more easily said than done. They make it sound so simple to rid oneself of that “load of care.” Just pray about it. Bam! Cares gone.

Join {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

We have this huge framed photograph hanging in our living room— our two hands joined together on our wedding day.

You can see the edge of my white dress and his black vest. There’s a scarlet church door behind us. But there are no faces, no feet, no hair, no veil. Just our two hands tightly clasped.

I look at that picture often. I’ve gazed on it in good times and thought sweetly of the friendship it symbolizes. I've glanced at it as I passed by on mundane days, and remembered the permanent promises we made. I’ve glared at it in more strained moments and hesitatingly accepted its reminder; we are joined, he and I.

Not just our hands. Our lives.

We are as joined together as my own pair of hands, the same flesh in complementary partnership.

Say {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

I don't usually say much.

For as long as I remember, I've been told I should talk more, say what I'm thinking, "be more outgoing." I know I need to reach out more. I work on it.

I'm under no illusions of being special. Multitudes of folks out there were made by the Creator with similar quiet ways, Andrews in a culture that favors Peters. So with writing as my medium of "saying," I have a few things to say about not saying much.

Go {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

No, stay, I say. Don’t go.

It never stops, the going, going, going.
It’s the natural leaning of life to go.
It’s what we end up doing if we don’t make a choice otherwise.

Let’s be different, you and me.
Let’s linger, remain.
Let’s cherish here and now, just the two of us.
Let’s stick around this little town and call it home.
Let’s sit on the front porch and talk and laugh and stay.