October 5, 2014

Stuck {31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes}

I’ve been stuck for the past three years. Stuck in one place, in so many ways. Stuck in bitterness because of that.

At first I prayed relentlessly that God would change things. He didn’t. So over time I prayed less, lost faith that He was hearing me. I tried to be at peace with being stuck, but the trying was always in vain.

A week ago I felt His prompting to pray again. Falteringly, I did. It hurt to pray, because it meant reaching out again for the hope that He would work; it meant risking the desolation and vulnerability I felt when He didn’t.

But this time, He did.

And now I’m stuck in a different way. Stuck because I have so little faith that I hesitate to believe the change is true or that it will last. I’m cynical, expecting a turn for worse even when I've seen God work. I’m like the Israelites who, when they’d just eaten miracle manna and meat, grumbled and doubted He would come through for them in their mere thirst [Exodus 17:1-7].

But I don’t want to be stuck here in unbelief. I want to embrace God’s change, believe it’s real, and move forward with Him. I want to cry out with the desperate father of that demon-possessed boy, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” [Mark 9:14-29]

This post is part of 31 Days of Five-Minute Free Writes, an exercise in writing a timed, prompted post every day during the month of October. For me, it's a challenge to move beyond prideful perfectionism, to write more freely, and to share more openly. 

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